Identity Crisis
by SinisterChic
Summary: Repost with no NC17 epilogue Spike asks Willow to do a spell in order to discover more about himself. But it doesn't go as planned, splitting him up into the vampire and William. Spike has to make the decision about who he really is: the demon or the m
1. ch 1

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

Finally, I thought of a TOTALLY new idea. At least, I think I did. I hope you all like it. Probably will be 10 chapters. 

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

Chapter 1- Torn

Spike hadn't seen Buffy in almost a week. She was avoiding any place he might be; the Bronze and even his part of the cemetery. He had to force himself not to stalk around her house. She would bloody-well beat him to a pulp. Not that he couldn't do the same to her now. The thought brought a smile to his lips. But that wasn't the point. He wanted her to come to him. To admit that she wanted him. He just didn't know how long that would take. And, meanwhile, he was going insane. 

He had no blood running through his veins, he had Buffy. She was in his system, in every nerve. No movement could be made without being aware of her presence. There was no way to change it, the damage had already been done. They were connected. 

She had to sense the same thing he did. She had to. The only reason she ignored it was because she thought he was a monster. He used to be sure of that too. But lately he didn't know what he was. Ever since that sodding chip had been planted in his brain he battled an inner war. Do good it said. His demon had other thoughts. 

The other night, when he thought he was bitable again, he wanted to go for it. He longed for the kill. But when he actually was about to do it, he didn't get that thrill he used to. The headache had come, making him stop. Yet, if it hadn't, he might not have gone through with it anyway. And he needed to know if that was part of the chip mind control (because it had still been working, just not to his knowledge), or if it had been him. The him deep down. 

Spike had to find out. Was he a pathetic, lovesick poofter? Or, was he a vicious beast being kept at bay? Being hypnotized to act this way. 

Had he really changed? And if so, what made him? Was it Buffy? Partly her? 

He rushed over to the door. He exited into the cool night air. There was a way to find out. 

+ + + + + + +

The Magic Box was closing. Anya shut the cash register, satisfied with the profit she had collected. She glanced over at the round table. Xander and Willow were chatting. They had Willow's labtop on, surfing the net or something. The past few days, Willow had been un-witchy. No spells or magic of any kind. She didn't even glance at the supplies in the shop. She was back to her computer nerd ways. Her fashion had mellowed down a bit also. Back to sweaters and such. 

Anya made her way to Xander. She put her arms around him. "Honey, let's go home," she said.

He stiffened. That tone. He knew it well. It was a 'let's go screw' voice. But, he wasn't off by the idea. 

Xander turned his head toward his fiancé. "Sure, just let me wrap this thing up with Will."

Anya nodded. "Okay. I'll get my coat."

Willow shut off the computer. She smiled over at her best friend. "That was fun," she commented.

"Yeah, it was. It's good to have the good-ol' giddy-lovin Willow back," he told her. 

"It's weird. I spent so long trying to get away from that. I wanted to be mature and sexy. But, the transition back, it feels right. I think this is who I am." She smiled. Hope filled her. Maybe Tara would see the difference in her. She might give her another chance. 

The three of them walked out of the store. Anya locked the door. "See ya tomorrow, Willow," she declared. 

Willow waved. Anya wasn't so bad lately. "Ok," she replied. 

Xander and Anya hooked arms together. They were soon out of sight.

A long sigh escaped Willow. She tucked her hands in her coat pockets. It was kind of nippy out. She quickened her pace. The thought of being in her nice warm bed was very favorable. Her face fell. Too bad it was an empty bed.

A shadow crossed her path. She spun around. Her heart was racing. 

Spike smirked at her. He exhaled a puff of cigarette smoke. 

"Don't do that!" Willow scolded. "That sneaking up stuff is not nice."

"I'm a vampire. That is what we do." 

"Sure, just. . . do it more unsubtly." 

He chuckled. "Sure, Red, whatever." He stomped out his cigarette butt. He remembered why he was here. "I've been looking for you. Need you to do me a favor."

Willow's voice wavered. "What _kind_ of favor?"

"Don't sound like that! It's not dangerous or nothin. Just need you to do me a little spell."

Her eyes widened. She shook her head. "NO! I'm done with that. Totally. Find yourself another witch!"

He grabbed her arm. "Your going to do this for me!" he exclaimed. 

Willow was startled. She twisted her arm, trying to get him off her. 

Spike put his game face on. One way or another he was going to get her to help him. "I have to find out who I am. I'm going insane! I have to know if I'm a monster in captivity. Or, if I help you guys out of choice." He tapped his head. "Does this bloody chip make me love Buffy?" There, he said it. What he really wanted to know. 

Willow looked up at him. There was an expression of sudden understanding there. She relaxed a bit. 

It would be a simple procedure, Willow thought. Not hard at all. Just look into his brain to distinguish between good and evil. Find out what part dominated his actions. There was hardly any risk of a wiggy side-effect. 

"Ok," squeaked Willow. "But, this is my last spell casting. And, you have to let me go."

Spike released her. His face shifted back to his human features. "Thanks, Red. I'll make it up to you somehow."

He began to walk. His duster flew back as he moved. Willow rubbed her arm. Then she followed. 

+ + + + + + 

They made it to the Summers' home, where Willow currently lived. She turned to Spike. "Stay here. I'm going to get supplies. It's best if we do this outside. Dawn's at a friend's, and Buffy's patrolling, but we should be on the safe side."

Spike agreed. He waited for her to come back. When she did, she was carrying a box with candles and matches. 

The two went around to the back of the house. They were secluded in the shadows. No one would see them there. Not unless someone searched extra hard. 

Willow pointed to the ground. "Sit," she ordered.

He did as was told, settling on his knees. Then she made a circle around him with candles. She lit each one, creating an illuminating gleam. Willow hoped Buffy would stay out late. If she came back, she might be able to see the light. They weren't so hidden anymore.

Willow sat down in front of Spike. She closed her eyes and began to chant.

What is inside is out

Mind to body

Love to pain

Good to evil

Light to darkness

Parts to whole

Her eyes burst open. They stared straight into Spike's blue ones. He gulped. Her gaze was like a magnet. He couldn't look away, or blink. She had him fixed at her. There was a rushing of power between them. 

Willow's head thrust upward. Her eyes were white now. "Dead or living? In and out. Truth be told. Come forth what is!"

Spike was suddenly overcome by a retching pain. It was like being torn apart. He growled.

"Red, what is happening?" he demanded.

Willow paid no attention to him. She kept her vision to the stars above.

Another cramp went through his middle. "Willow!?" he yelled.

Her arms rose. "Hectate make it so!"

Spike was thrown backward. Everything went black.

+ + + + + + +

When he was conscious again, he became aware of the aching. Then everything came back. He instantly sat up. Anger shot through him. He was going to have a 'chat' with Willow. She wasn't supposed to do that to him.

The witch lay not far from him. She was still. Bloody hell, his mind cried. This was great.

There was a moan. He could tell that it wasn't from Willow. And if it didn't come from him. . .

Spike's gaze went to the right. There, next to him was a man. He was curled into a ball, completely naked. His hair was disheveled, a huge mass on his head.

Spike moved quickly away. He hit something. He twisted to see what it was. A vampire. He was also clad in nothing. 

Spike crawled, trying to avoid both beings. There was something frightening familiar about both of them.

Willow stirred. She gave a whimper. She was shocked to make out three figures, two without clothes. 

Spike charged at her. He grabbed both of her shoulders. He was breathing hard, out of rage. "What the fuck did you do!?"

Willow was scared. He looked as if he were about to snap off her head.

"I. . . I don't know," she confessed.

"Excuse me, Miss, my good man, where am I? And where are my clothes? I'm stripped down to nothing. I can't even find my knickers."

Willow and Spike were horrified. The man had awakened. He had his hands cupped over his crotch, very embarrassed and confused.

Spike knew that voice. He recognized those blue eyes, even if it had been over a hundred years since he'd seen them.

"Bloody hell, woman!" Spike shouted at Willow. He pointed at the Englishman. "That's William!"

Willow opened her mouth, but couldn't say anything.

_____________________________________________

That was actually a long chapter. Yay for me! What did you think?


	2. ch 2

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

AN- In Fool For Love, Angelus notices that Spike starts talking different. So, that means that he conditioned himself to say things like mate after his change. That explains why William doesn't say some of the words Spike does. 

Chapter 2- Multiple Personalities

Spike shook Willow. "Why didn't you do the simple spell we agreed on?" he asked harshly.

"It started out that way. But something came and took me over. There was nothing I could do. It had complete control," she explained. She was sorry, she really was. She had known this was a bad idea. Why did she even do it? 

Willow surveyed their surroundings. She still wasn't sure what she did exactly. Somehow William was there. And a vampire, who she was sure was also Spike. 

There was a burst of laughing. Spike and Willow hadn't noticed the vampire get to his feet. He wasn't the least bit ashamed of his bare body, unlike William, who cowered into the shadows.

The vampire directed his vision at Spike. He grinned, showing sharp teeth. "Finally, I'm free. You can't conceal me any longer. That bloody chip won't be able to prevent me from painting the town red."

William shuttered. He had never seen anyone so hideous. Wrinkles, glowing eyes, and fangs. Monster, that's what it was.

"What are you saying, mate?" Spike questioned.

The vampire came closer. Willow's eyes bugged out. Man, what a body! She fought to keep her gaze above the waist.

"I'm you, Spike. I'm the demon that changed William into what you are now." He sniffed. "I'm free, open to the hunt. I can sense the blood calling me. Time to go find it." He bolted into a run.

Willow jumped up. "Hey!"

"Let him go, Red," Spike stated.

Horror appeared on her expression. "What!? He's going to kill someone. We can't just ignore that."

"You'll never catch him. He's too fast. Only Buffy has that speed."

"I have to at least try," she said.

The feeble image of William came into view. He staggered forward. "I hate to interrupt, but I'm rather cold. Would you be kind enough to show me to some shelter?"

Willow and Spike shared a look. They silently communicated. 

A sigh escaped Willow. "Ok, we'll take him inside. For now. But later, we have to go search for your other half."

"Sure thing," Spike said. 

They brought the man into Buffy's house. Willow found a warm blanket to wrap him up with. He appreciated that very much. Then she began to fix some hot chocolate for him. 

A pang of guilt swept through her. She felt terrible. Poor William. Had he been pulled here out of his own time? He may have been walking down the street and automatically arrived here. He must be so confused.

Just then Spike stepped into the kitchen. He saw the kettle on the stove. He perked up. "Cocoa?"

"This isn't for you, it's for William."

"Hey now, can't I have a cup? Can't be harder to fix a little more for me too."

Willow shook her head. "Spike, forget it. You are going to your crypt to get some clothes. He can't go on wrapped in a blanket."

Spike was skeptical. "Think he'll wear them? I remember the dress code back then. Wasn't black jeans and a t-shirt."

"It will have to do."

"Fine." Spike fumbled in his duster for his cigarettes. "I'll be back in about twenty minutes." He walked out the door toward the cemetery. 

++++++++

Willow came into the living room. William was on the sofa, huddled under the thick fabric of the blanket. His head shot up as she approached.

A friendly smile came to her lips. She set the steaming mug of hot chocolate on the coffee table. "How you doing?" she inquired.

William blinked. "I uh. . . Was I attacked?"

"Not exactly," she replied.

"How did I lose my clothes? And my glasses. My glasses are gone too. I can see without them, but not as well."

She wasn't sure what to say. How would he take the truth?

"What is the last thing you remember?" she asked.

He thought for a moment. "I was out for a stroll and ended up in an alley. A woman came up. She started to talk to me. Then. . ." His eyes widened. He stared at Willow in fright.

The door flung open. Buffy came in. She hung up her leather jacket, then walked over. She stopped when she noticed William. She was completely frozen.

"Hey, Buffy," Willow squeaked. 

Hysterical giggles came from Buffy. She couldn't stop once she began. The two occupants of the couch watched, puzzled. 

She pointed at William. "Spike, what the hell did you do with your hair?"

"Miss, do I know you?" he asked.

Her laughter settled down. She wiped the tears from her eyes. "Oh, this is rich. You acting this way. Do you think this will win me over? I mean, changing your hair, calling me miss."

"Buffy. . .?" Willow started.

"And what's up with the no-clothes routine? Think I'll jump right to it, because of the temptation? Forget about what you are?"

William's mouth hung open. This woman was crazy.

"Wish it was that easy, luv."

Buffy jumped. She spun around to see Spike, the annoying one she was used to. He smirked, glad to have snuck up on her. 

The slayer glanced from the couch to the vampire. Her head was spinning. "Oh, God!" she moaned.

Spike held up some dark material. "Got the threads, Red," he informed.

"Would someone please explain what is going on to me?" William spoke up.

Buffy held up her hand. "Me too!" 

Willow stood up. She braced herself. "It was an accident, I swear."

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Accident?"

"It was mostly my fault," Spike confessed. "I asked her to do it." When it came to Buffy, he seemed to just deflate. He was so whipped, even had to tell the truth, and take the blame. 

Now Buffy knew something was really wrong. "What did you BOTH do!?"

"I did a spell, Buffy. It was supposed to be a tiny itty bitty one. But it back-fired and grew into a huge one. I kinda. . . We kinda split Spike into two," Willow explained. She fiddled with her hands.

Anger built up inside Buffy. She glared at her best-friend. "I trusted you. I thought you were over the magic stuff. I guess hurting my sister wasn't enough. You had to go and do something bigger."

Tears formed in Willow's eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry isn't good enough this time!" Buffy shouted.

Willow nodded. "I know. I'll try to fix it."

"You better!" Buffy snapped. "And if I ever catch you doing another spell, you are out of this house. For good."

Silence came over Willow. She just sobbed with shame. 

Spike touched Buffy's arm. She shoved him off. Her finger went in his face. "And you, what the hell were you after!? Why did you ask her to do this?"

He sighed, shoulders slumping. "I wanted to see if I had really changed, Buffy. I needed to know if I am good or still evil."

"Right. Did you find out?"

"Nope."

Buffy snorted. "Well, I hope you both are happy. You guys didn't gain anything. Spike's still as clueless as before." She gestured to the man on her couch. "And we have here, a chunk of what makes him?"

"Name's William. William Thornton," he answered.

Buffy's eyes widened. "William?" She turned to Spike. "Oh, I see now."

Spike seemed kind of uncomfortable. "Yeah, that's right. Meet my former self, the poofter himself, William, the bloody awful poet."

"Hey now!" William said. "I'm getting better."

"I'll tell you mate, words like effulgent get you nowhere."

William lowered his eyes. 

Buffy hit Spike's arm. "Don't be mean to him. He doesn't even know what's going on."

She went over to the Englishman. She sat down next to him, laying a hand on his. "We're going to get you home, William. But until then, you can stay here with me."

William swallowed. The warm contact of her hand made him nervous. His eyes were brought up to her face. His mouth curved upwards. Her presence made things seem not so bad. He took her hand and kissed it. "Thank you ever so much, my lady."

Buffy smiled back. "Call me Buffy," she told him.

Irritation grew inside Spike. "You can't be serious. He can't stay here with you."

"Why not?" demanded Buffy.

"Because. . . Because."

"Uh huh," she said. 

Spike gestured to William. "He could come with me to the crypt," he offered.

"Right, a cold, dark, tomb? Sure, I'm sure he'd like that," she said, sarcastically.

"How would you know? I used to be him, think I'd know more than you bloody would."

William cleared his throat. "I think I'd rather stay here." He looked at Buffy. "It's nice and cozy."

Spike growled. "Of course you would, mate."

Spike crossed his arms. "Well, if he is going to stay here, so am I."

"What!?" shrieked Buffy.

"I'm not leaving you with him alone."

Buffy got to her feet. "Get the hell out, Spike!"

"No," he said with a grin.

Buffy grabbed a near-by stake. She held it up, threatening. "Get out now!"

He chuckled. "You won't do it. You won't be able to. Not after what we shared."

Willow's gaze shifted over to them in curiosity. Shared?

"Shut up!" Buffy yelled. "Leave now or I'll disinvite you again!"

She dropped the stake and kicked him in the shin. He hissed in pain, but soon recovered.

Standing up straight, Spike said," Fine, you go ahead and share your cushions with the git." 

Spike threw the clothes at William. Then he stormed out of the house. Damn that girl! And damn William too! He needed a drink desperately. He headed to Willy's bar.


	3. ch 3

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

Chapter 3- Meet William

Dawn came home early the next morning. She put her duffle bag down on the carpet. Her eyes wondered to the living room, where she saw a person on the couch. He was snoring loudly. 

Who the heck is that? she wondered. Did Buffy get a new boyfriend? She moved closer. His head was turned away so that she couldn't make his identity out. She sighed. Oh well, I'll just have to ask someone.

The teen bumped into Willow on the way to the kitchen. She noticed the grave face that Willow had on.

"Willow, who is that?" Dawn asked. She pointed to the couch. 

Willow was near tears. "I don't know if I can explain without breaking down," she whispered.

"I can explain," said a harsh voice.

They turned to see Buffy standing there. She had her arms crossed. "Our little witch here did another spell. This one split Spike into 2 parts. That there. . ." She nodded to the sofa. "is William. And from what I gathered last night, after a long talk with Willow, his other half, the demon, is running around somewhere biting who knows who. "

Dawn stared in silence for a moment. Then she finally said," You mean Spike isn't Spike anymore, but his human self and his vampire self? Like when there were Xanders?"

Buffy sighed. "No, Spike is still his irritating self. We just have 2 more of him, that aren't. . . well, exactly him."

"Oh, I get it," Dawn stated. "We have William, before he was turned, and the demon him. But Spike is still Spike. Good. I was scared there for a sec that my best pal was gone."

"Dawn, stop acting like this is okay. We can't have a demon Spike going around causing havoc. He may even come after me or you."

Dawn shook her head. "Spike wouldn't do that. He loves you and me."

"Spike wouldn't," Buffy confessed. She wasn't totally trustful of the vampire, but that much was true. He would never intentionally hurt them. At least not much, she thought as images from the crumbling house came back to her. She pushed them away quickly. "But, this isn't Spike. Or it is. . . God, I'm confusing myself. I don't know what has happened. All I know is that, there is a demon lose out there. Back when Spike was with Drusilla he tried to kill me numerous times. I'm afraid that he might do that again. And if he does, I'll have to stake him. And who knows what that will do to our Spike." She looked over at Willow, wanting the answers.

The red-head replied," I'll make this right. I'm going to research this, find a way to undo it all."

"Fine," Buffy said kind of coldly. She couldn't face her friend as she said it. Willow let her down, and she worried that she would again. If Willow could give in that easily. . .

"I'll be going then," stated Willow. "If I find anything, you'll be the first to know." She left in a flash.

Buffy didn't move. Why did her life have to be so complicated? She had been trying to sort out her feelings for Spike, and now there were three of him. And her Spike had to go and piss her off again by asking for the spell in the first place. Whenever she begins to like the way he acts, he screws up by saying something or doing something to ruin it all.

There was a moan as William awoke. He sat up slowly, taking in his surroundings. It took him awhile to sort out where he was. He noticed Dawn. "Nibblet?"

Dawn examined this man. He wore a black t-shirt and jeans. His hair was light brown, wavy and falling in his blue eyes. "Spike?"

"What?" William got up and moved over to her. "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were my sister for a moment."

Dawn raised an eye-brow. "Sister?"

"Yeh, Elly."

"You call your sister Nibblet?"

"Sort of a nickname."

A smile came to Dawn's mouth. "My name is Dawn. But you can call me Nibblet if you want to."

"Ah right then," William said.

Dawn shifted to Buffy. "Buffy, he's Spike, but he's like alive. This is amazing!" She was growing exciting.

William frowned. "Who is this famous Spike? Was he that guy here yesterday?"

Buffy nodded. "The very one."

"Well he wasn't very nice to you. I don't think I like being mistaken as him just because we resemble each other. And what kind of name is Spike anyway?" William commented.

Dawn giggled. "Man, you are out of it."

Incomprehension was on his expression. "I don't know what is going on, or who you people are. I just want to go home. My mother must be worried."

This was so weird. Buffy watched the man before her. This was Spike back when he was human. He had a family, one he cared for. I wonder what happened to them, thought Buffy. Surely he didn't kill them, did he? For some reason she didn't think Spike would do that. He might have been a monster, but he wasn't that evil. Her eyes widened. Did she use the past-tense right then?

Dawn grabbed William's hand. She pulled him to the door. "I have to see something," she exclaimed. 

Buffy followed the two outside. William was in the lawn, beaming with sunshine. Dawn danced around him, happily taking him in. 

"What's the fuss about, little one?" he questioned.

She grinned. "You're in the daylight!"

"Yeh, I guess I am," he said. He shook his head. These people were strange.

Suddenly a car drove by. William shrieked. He staggered backwards in fright. "What the bloody hell!?"

"Oh, that's just a car," Dawn said.

Buffy came up. She touched his arm gently. "Let's go back inside. I'll explain things to you."

+++++++++

Everything was a jumble. Buffy had just got done explaining things to him. He was in the future. There were vampires, he was one, or will be. Spike was him. She was the slayer, chosen to defeat evil. Spike had a chip in his head, so he couldn't bite anyone anymore. 

He knew that he should be thinking this was garbage. But somehow it made sense. And it scared him more than anything had before.

He recalled the woman in the alley. The last thing he remembered was her face changing. Things were fitting into place, and the picture wasn't coming out to his liking.

"I knew Cicely had wrecked my life, but I hadn't known it would be this much. If only I hadn't had wondered the streets in devastation," he mumbled to himself.

"I'm sorry. This must be awful for you," Buffy said. 

"So, do I uh. . . drink blood and all?"

"You only go for animal blood now," chirped Dawn. 

William hung his head. All the horrible things he must have done. He became a monster. 


	4. ch 4

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

Chapter 4- Meet the Demon

The demon who was once within Spike grinned. He had just fed on a young blond girl. She had been about twenty with brown eyes. It had been an easy catch. All he had to do was come and ask if he could walk her home. She agreed instantly. 

He could feel the essence stream through him. The power it possessed. These long two years, being held back. It had been too long. 

The demon licked his lips. The glory of being free was overwhelming. He couldn't help the temptation. He wanted another victim to feed on. Surrendering to the urge, he began to search for one.

+++++++++

Buffy twirled her stake. She hadn't come in contact with a vampire yet, and was becoming bored. She thought about going to the cemetery to hunt, but pushed it aside. No, Spike would be there. Spike was bad. 

Buffy groaned and turned around. So what if he was there? The graveyard was her battleground. And if he got in her way that was his problem. And what would that be, you yelling at him to death? Shut up, she told herself.

She stopped. A figure loomed in front of her. As she came nearer, she made out the form of a vampire. He was draining a girl. 

Buffy threw the vampire away from his meal. The girl dropped to the ground. He growled at her. She stared at his features.

"Spike?" she choked out.

He laughed. "Hello, cutie!" he greeted.

They twirled around each other. "So, you are the demon that made William a vampire?" She punched him in the chin.

He dodged another blow. He grabbed her arm, twisting it. "That would be me, slayer."

Buffy kicked him, getting her arm free. "Then that means I'll have to kill you!" she yelled. 

She started to go at him with fury. If he never turned William, everything would be all right. Kendra would be alive. She wouldn't have ended up at Angel's that day. He wouldn't have become evil. Jenny might still be alive. William would have lived a nice life back in England. And she wouldn't have these feelings for Spike. The ones that tore her apart. The ones that made her do things she despised. 

She hit him over and over. Then she thrust her fingers into her jacket, bringing out a stake. She started it toward the demon's chest. 

Before she knew what happened, she was on the concrete of the sidewalk. He grabbed her hand, prying the stake out of it. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"And why not?" she spat.

"Because your precious Spikey will be no more."

"What do you mean?" She tried to get up, but he pinned her down.

"If one of us, William or myself, dies, so will he. We make up what he is." 

The demon dangled the wooden weapon in her face. "So, you see, you can't kill me."

Buffy mustered all her strength and kicked him off her. The stake flew through the air. She rushed to snatch it up. 

Anger in her eyes, she faced the demon. He was smirking at her. Not the Spike smirk, this one was absolute wickedness. "What makes you think that I can't dust you?" she asked.

"Because, slayer, he means something to you. I know. I was there when you shagged yourself to oblivion." He inched toward her. He leaned into her ear. "William was too. But I was the one who made you scream."

Buffy swept her leg, knocking him to the ground. She kicked him again. "You disgusting. . .!"

He was amused by her outburst. He got to his feet again, then broke into a run.

Buffy cleared her head, then went to check on the girl. Her pulse was weak, but there. She picked her up and headed to Sunnydale Memorial Hospital. 


	5. ch 5

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

AN- To clear this up, Spike is Spike, both the demon and William still. It's just that there is a separate William and the demon out there. Kind of a hard concept I know, but try to bear with me. 

The song lyrics are from the song Electric Blue Eyes. Can't help it, makes me think of Spike *L*

Chapter 5- Triangle

Buffy came downstairs to see William staring at the wall. "Hey, what are ya doing?" she asked.

"Nuthin, that's the problem. I'm rather bored. Do you have an idea of what I could do to pass the time?" he stated.

She thought for a moment. "Well there's always the TV or radio," she suggested.

"Radio?"

"Yeah." 

She went over to her boom box that she had received for Christmas, and turned it on. A man's voice came on, talking about the search for BinLaden. William perked up at the information. "Is there a war going on?"

"Well, sort of. Some terrorists are after the US. But you don't need to worry about that. Let's find you some music," Buffy said.

He was excited to hear the songs of the current year. He winced as the loud sound of some singing boys hit him. "What kind of bloody music is this?"

"Oh, um, that's Backstreet Boys. Dawn is like in love with them. I know, I don't get it either."

The tuner was turned to another station. This one let out twangy country music. Buffy groaned. She shut off the stereo.

Buffy held up a finger. "Wait just one sec. I'll be back."

When the slayer returned, she held up a case. She opened it up to reveal a CD. William eyed it in fascination. He had never seen anything like it. The round disk gleamed in the light. Buffy opened the player and laid the CD in. She pushed a button. All of a sudden a soft group started to sing.

"That's amazing," William said. He listened to the song for a moment. "They aren't bad."

She nodded. "Yeah, I like The Cranberries."

William held out a hand. "Care to dance, my lady?"

A giggle escaped her. Why not? "Sure," she replied, taking his hand.

Electric blue eyes, where did you come from?  
Electric blue eyes, who sent you?  
Electric blue eyes, always be near me  
Electric blue eyes, I need you  
(refrain)  
Domine, domine deus  
Domine, adiuva me  
Domine, domine deus  
Domine, adiu adiuma me  
Hey, ay, Hey, ay  
If you should go, you should know, I love you  
If you should go, you should know, I'm here  
Always be near me...guardian angel  
Always be near me  
There's no fear  
None at all.... 

Buffy caught herself being sucked into his eyes. The song went along with them. She sighed in contentment. This is nice, she thought.

William twirled her around. She was so beautiful. His heart beat faster. There was a pang in his chest, that he hadn't felt since Cicely. Oh God, he dreaded, am I starting to like this girl? He didn't want this. What if she broke his heart? He couldn't take another rejection. But then he looked at Buffy's smiling face, and all his fears washed away. 

++++++++++

Spike stood outside, puffing away at a Marlboro cigarette. He put his hands in the pockets of his duster. He looked once again in the windows of the Summers household. He couldn't make anything out in the living room because the curtains were drawn shut. He noticed a light in the Nibblet's room, though. 

He wanted to go inside, see what had become of William. But he couldn't do it. The last encounter with Buffy and his other self had been disastrous. He didn't want a rehap. 

Spike saw the light go off in Dawn's room. He crept along to the other side of the house. Then he peered into the kitchen. Nobody was there. 

Suddenly somebody tapped him on the shoulder. He spun around, arm going out. 

"Oooof!" Dawn exclaimed. She landed on her butt. "Couldn't you hear me coming up with your sharp predatory hearing?"

"I was distracted." He frowned. "Platelet, what are you doing out here?"

"I saw you outside my window. I could ask you the same thing."

He stomped out his smoke. "I was. . ." He smoothed down his hair.

"You were trying to spy on Buffy," she accused.

Defeated, he said," Well, yeah. I'll admit it."

"You don't have to lurk about. Come in and see her for yourself."

He shook his head. "Nah, don't want to start a commotion."

She put her hands on her hips. "Then come in to see me. We can play poker or something and ignore Buffy all together." She gave him a puppy-dog look. "Please, you never spend time with me anymore. I miss you."

"Bloody hell," he muttered. He could never resist the Little Bit. "Okay, I guess. But if Buffy gets mad, it's your fault."

Dawn jumped up and down. "All right!"

++++++++++

The two came in through the kitchen. Spike took off his coat and hung it on a chair. 

"I'll go get the cards," Dawn said, heading to her room.

The sound of music and laughing came not far away. Curious, Spike headed in the direction. He peeked into the living room and spotted Buffy and William dancing. The slayer seemed really happy, her gaze never leaving the male. William was spinning her around.

Jealousy rose up in Spike. How could she be having so much fun with him? She hates me. 

"Well now, aren't we having a jolly good time!" Spike shouted as he stepped in. 

The couple froze. Buffy turned her head to the vampire. "Spike?" she said. She went over and switched off the music. Silence fell over the room.

The two men gave death-glares at each other. 

"What were you doing, mate?" Spike inquired.

William grinned. "Just passing the time," he said.

"Yeah right," Spike snarled.

Anger shot up through Buffy. She ventured over to Spike. "What the hell gives you the right to barge in here and disrupt us?"

"I was just going to play a game with the Little Bit. But then I saw this."

"So, what? You decide to ruin it? That is always what you want to do, ruin my fucking life!"

At that moment, Dawn entered the room. She had a deck of cards in her clutch. She halted at the quarrel. 

Buffy noticed her sister approach. "Sorry, Dawn, there won't be any game."

"What? That's no fair!" Dawn burst out.

"Sorry, Nibblet, got into some trouble with the big sis," Spike explained. 

With a sigh, Dawn went back upstairs. 

Buffy grabbed Spike's arm. She pulled him toward the door. She glanced back at William. "Excuse me while I settle this problem." He nodded back at her. 

On the porch, Buffy started to shout. "I'm going to do that disinvite spell, I swear!"

He raised his scared eye-brow. "Really? And who's going to do it? Willow?"

"I'll do it myself if I have to!"

"Uh huh," he said.

"I'll put crucifixes up everywhere. I already did my room."

He opened his mouth. Was she telling the truth?

"I want you out of my life, I already told you that. I don't want you coming around anymore."

"So you want me to stay away?" he questioned.

She snorted. "Haven't I made that clear? YES! Keep away."

"I can't do that," he said.

"Well you better!"

He inched toward her. He was so close that he could feel her warmth. He whispered into her ear," I love you. It tears me apart to stay away from you."

She swallowed. Why was it hard for her to breath? Comprehension came over her then. She threw him off her. "Go away and let me have my life back!" Her hands clenched into fists.

"Sorry, no can do. I won't let you be seduced by that poofter inside," he commented. He pointed to the door. 

"I can dance with whoever I want to, Spike. And you don't love me, you love how I make your adrenaline pump. I'm just the slayer to you, something to get you high. William sees me as a person. But you never will, because you forget what that is. Now your only a thing."

Spike was speechless. His insides were twisting around with her words.

Buffy turned around. "I will never dance with you, Spike. You are beneath me in every way." Then she left the vampire out in the cold night.

+++++++++

William heard it all. He had been near the door the entire time. Their voices had been so loud that it came crystal clear in the house. He had been all on Buffy's side until he heard Spike confess his love. He listened in shock. Then she had to go and say that he was beneath her. 

He moved away as Buffy stormed in. She stomped up the stairs to go to bed. She hadn't even shut the door.

William looked out. He could make out Spike still on the porch. The vampire had fallen on his knees with his face in his hands. 

That was when William finally saw, really saw for the first time. Spike was himself. He had been through the same things. Spike had loved Cicely. Spike had wrote her a poem. Spike had confessed his feelings. Spike had been rejected. Spike had come in contact with the vampire woman, saying she could make the pain go away.

They were the same. And they had yet again loved someone. This time, Buffy, the slayer. And they were beneath her, like they had been with Cecely. 

+++++++++

The demon couldn't take it anymore. Buffy was everywhere. Everytime he bit into a fresh vein, she was in his thoughts. He imagined that it was her white throat his teeth tore open. 

His dreams were haunted of her. He ravaged her, corrupting her soul. Then he drained her dry.

He was not a fool. He knew what was going on. Spike had loved the slayer, and so he did too. But he would handle this much differently than Spike did. 

He would find Buffy and make her his. Forever. 


	6. ch 6

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

Chapter 6- Moment of Weakness

Buffy lie on her bed and sobbed. She didn't know why she was upset. Okay, that was a lie. But she didn't know why it did effect her. She shouldn't care, it was Spike.

The words had come out of her mouth automatically. She had panicked. Spike had been so close to here, and she had known that one more second with him and she would lose control. Just like the other tree times, the last leading to something unforgivable. So, she let out the insult, the most terrible thing she could think of.

Well, it had worked. She hurt him, gotten away without any physical contact. And felt completely horrible for it. 

+++++++++

After a long moping, William decided to stop and do something about it.

Dawn was kind enough to help him find a pen and paper. He took them to the kitchen table and began to write.

Light out of reach

Darkness in my grasp

Love surrounding, but not within

With frustration, he crumpled up his lousy poem. He hung his head. Everyone was right, it was bloody awful. No wonder no one would love him, he was pathetic.

+++++++++

Spike didn't know how long he cried on Buffy's porch. Everytime he tried to collect himself and leave, he couldn't. Damn slayer, she was tearing him apart. He let out a shrill laugh. Hell, she already had. If it wasn't for her, he never would have wanted that bloody spell in the first place.

Ok, Spike thought, stop being a poofter and get up. He staggered to his feet, smoothed his hair back, and reached for a cigarette. As he did, a knowing ache in his side hit him. He doubled over, crying out.

+++++++++

The sound reached Buffy's slayer ears. She got off her bed, drying her tears. The yell came again, and she recognized it as Spike's.

Without thinking, she rushed down the stairs. She met William there. He gave her a questioning look.

"Who is that? It is coming from the front yard, I think," he said.

"That's Spike," she told him quickly, continuing her path to the door.

She went out to find a barely standing vampire.

"What are you still doing here?" she demanded. She hated herself right then. He had cried out for some reason and her response was to be a bitch. And she didn't want to be, not really. It just seemed to always happen when she was around him.

Spike weakly lifted his head. "Buffy?" 

True worry came then. Something was really wrong with him. She moved toward him, but it wasn't fast enough. He collapsed to the ground.

+++++++++

Willow was frustrated. Hours of research without any results. But she wouldn't give up, she owed it to Buffy. 

"Remind me why were are helping Spike," Xander said.

The witch glanced up from her thick dusty volume. "What?"

"This is Spike, the vampire who wanted to kill us. Remember that?"

Willow sighed. "Xander, he's helped us more times than I can count. Besides, I don't think you understand the situation. There is a demon out there feeding off people. And probably more than normal vampires, out of the relief of being released. We can't let this go on."

He shut up then, and went back to reading.

Willow scanned page after page. Her attention fell on one that caught her eye. Her head shot upward.

"I found something!" she exclaimed.

Xander looked up. "So, what is it?"

Willow collected the book, and grabbed her coat. "I'll tell you later, right now I have to see Buffy."

Willow hurried out of the store.

+++++++++

Buffy carried Spike to her room. She tucked his unconscious body in the bed. She sat next to him, somehow unable to move.

Her sister walked in. "What's wrong with him?"

Buffy looked down at the pale sleeping vampire. He didn't seem to be in any pain like before. She was relieved by that.

"I. . . I don't know, Dawnie," Buffy stammered.

Dawn fiddled with her fingers. "Do you, do you think it could have to do with the spell?"

"I didn't think of that. Maybe." Buffy turned to face Dawn. "It's time to go to bed."

Usually, Dawn would complain. She'd whine, begging for at least a half-hour more. But instead, she nodded.

Dawn left Buffy to go to bed, even though she knew there wouldn't be any sleep for her that night, no matter how hard she tried.

+++++++++

William was on his way to the bathroom. Technology had gone a long way. You just press down on a little handle and flush, all your waste was gone. He loved it, almost made him want to stay in this time.

He stopped. The sound of crying was coming from Buffy's room. He peered in through the cracked door. He made out the form of Buffy. She was on the bed with Spike. Her hand draped over the vampire, her head buried in his shoulder.

Shocked and amazed, William stepped away, giving her privacy. Could it be possible? Did Buffy really care for Spike? She must to be so broken up.

He blinked, not sure how he felt. A part of him was mad, that she liked the vampire. Another was telling him that if he was part of Spike, Buffy must care about him as well. 

William leaned against the wall for support. He wanted this all to end, to be whole. If he was supposed to be inside Spike, then he wanted to be. He suddenly felt very hollow and incomplete.

+++++++++

Willow stared at Buffy. She was so surprised, finding her friend curled up against Spike, fast asleep.

She went over to Buffy and shook her gently. The slayer stirred, holding tighter to Spike.

"Buffy?"

Buffy's eyes fluttered open. She gazed at Willow as her mind sorted things out. Then she jolted to a sitting position. She glanced at Spike, and felt suddenly embarrassed. "Willow, I . . ."

Willow held up a hand. "It's okay, Buffy, no need to explain.

"Okay," whispered Buffy.

"I found something," Willow informed. She opened a book in her hands.

That perked the slayer up. She got to her feet, walking to Willow. She took the book and examined the page.

"It tells about a witch who fell in love. She became devastated when he was changed into a vampire. Determined to get him back, she did a spell to turn him human again. Instead, it split him up into three: the vampire, the demon, and the human," Willow said.

Their eyes met.

"The demon and vampire began to fight. Instead of killing him, the demon merged with the vampire. The witch and human got away. They were together for a day before he got sick."

Buffy took in a breath. "Sick?"

"Yeah, he had major cramps. Then he uh. . . disappeared."

"What? How can he just vanish?"

"I guess being separated for so long caused him to un-exist. The thing is, the vampire, now fully demon, came and killed the witch."

Buffy looked over at Spike. Dread built in her chest. "Willow, Spike had a pain tonight. He passed out," she muttered.

"God!" Willow said. All of this was making sense.

"I know." Buffy's voice was expressionless.

++++++++

Spike awoke the next day. He felt something squeezing his hand. He tilted his head to see Buffy. She gazed back at him with worry. For him?

He noticed the closed blinds and the clock that displayed 12:31. He was here, in the afternoon. Why?

"Buffy, why am I in your bedroom?" he asked.

"You passed out, remember?" she replied.

Then he recalled it all. Her harsh words, him crying on the porch, the strong agonizing attack. He pulled his hand away, out of her grasp.

She stared at her empty palm for a second, before speaking again. "We figure out what's happened to you."

"Right then, tell me," he demanded.

She swallowed. 'You are dying, or rather fading away. All three of you. Only, you're the one that feels it."

"Lucky me," he said.

Anger shot through Buffy. She stood up. "Don't you care!?"

"Why should I? I've lived 28 years, as a human, 122 as a vampire. I think that's long enough."

She slapped him. "You bastard!" 

His eyes widened. He watched as droplets of water rolled down her face.

"I care!" she shouted. She pointed at herself. "I care!"

"I know I don't act like it. I threaten to dust you all the time."

Buffy touched his lips. "I don't mean any of it."

"So, I'm not beneath you, Slayer?" Spike questioned.

She swiped away her tears. She shook her head.

He smiled. She cared for him. Dying was okay then.

"There's a way to cure you," Buffy whispered.

He rose his right eyebrow.

"You can merge with one of them."

"What?" he said.

She cupped his cheek. "Merge with William. You'll be fine and the demon will vanish."

He snorted. "I can't become that poncy nancy-boy!"

Buffy lowered herself to his chest. She cried into his black t-shirt, clutching onto him. "Don't leave me, Spike, not like the others did. Please." Her voice was slightly muffled.

Spike held her, stroking her silky hair. He stared at the ceiling, wondering what to do.


	7. ch 7

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

Chapter 7- Trapped

Buffy finally stopped crying. She was spooned against him, his arm around her slender form. They lay in silence, breathing in the other's scent. Time had no meaning.

Buffy ran her fingers over his chest. She reveled in the feel of the tight muscles. 

"So, pet, where are those crosses you spoke of?" Spike asked, breaking the quiet.

She looked confused for a second, then it was gone. "Oh, I took those down, and the garlic," she informed.

He smirked at her. "Garlic?"

Buffy turned her gaze away. "Yeah."

"You really thought that was necessary?"

"I guess."

He rolled ontop of her. He grabbed her arms, pinning them over her head. "Trying to keep me away?"

A grin appeared on her mouth. "Not anymore."

Spike crushed his lips on hers. Their tongues circled, hungrily. His hand slid under her shirt, desire filling his being. 

Buffy grabbed his strayed hand. She met his gaze. "I want to, really. But Dawn and Willow are here. Not to mention William."

The vocalization of his name sent them rushing back to reality. They had problems that needed to be corrected. The demon and William were still separate embodiments. And Spike was, well. . . wasting away. 

Buffy sniffled, having the urge to sob once more.

He brushed her hair back. "Don't, luv, please don't cry again. It tears me apart."

She shut her eyes, getting a hold of herself. She was strong, the slayer. And slayers turned their sorrow into anger. And anger was solved by killing. 

In a swift motion, she wriggled from beneath him, and off the bed. "I'm going patrolling," she stated quickly.

Spike glanced over at the window. It was night. They had spent hours laying there?

"Ok. I'll. . . think about things while you're away."

An understanding stare passed between them.

Buffy rummaged under her bed. She found three stakes, pulling them out. She took her leather jacket from the closet, putting it on, then stuffed the weapons in the pockets.

Before leaving, she looked at Spike. Her face was expressionless. "Don't disappear while I'm gone." Without waiting for a reply, she went out.

++++++++

Buffy strolled through the graveyard. It was a dull night, hardly any vampires. She'd only gotten the privilege to stake one pathetic fledgling. That hadn't satisfied her bottled up emotions. Not by a long shot.

Out of the shadows, came a figure. She raised her stake, ready for action.

"Put that away, slayer. We know you'll never get anywhere with that thing."

Buffy recognized that voice. The same British tone as her Spike.

The demon stepped forward. He flicked his cigarette to the side.

Buffy lowered her stake. "I can't dust you, but I can hurt you."

She swung at him. He moved out of her aim. 

"Spike will merge with William and you'll be history!" she shouted as she kicked him in the stomach.

He laughed. His hand came out and clasped her arm, twisting it. She whimpered.

He whispered in her ear," Oh, I doubt that. Spike is not a weakling. He'll choose darkness over light in order to keep his power."

The demon thrust her to the ground. Her head hit a tombstone. She hissed in pain. A gash came to her forehead.

He knelt next to her. He grasped her head, harshly. "You will be mine, little girl."

Then he smashed her head back against the concrete grave-marker. This time blackness engulfed her.

+++++++++

Spike cried out as the pain shot through him. It pulsed up and down his entire body. After what seemed like forever, which was actually only two minutes, it subsided. He relaxed, breathing hard from the encounter.

The door flew open. Willow popped in. "Are you all right?" she asked.

"Yeah, just another attack. It's over, though."

She nodded. "Can I get you anything?"

He shook his head. "No."

She left.

He fell back on the pillow, exhausted. Something had to be done, and fast.


	8. ch 8

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

Thanks everybody for the reviews. I love them! Makes me feel all warm and gooey inside.

Chapter 8- Metamorphosis

Spike slept until morning. When he awoke, he found that there was no one in the house except himself and William.

"Willow took off for class, and Xander picked Little Bit up for school," William told the vampire.

Spike detested the fact that William was using his nick-name for Dawn. The human was trying to steal his girls from him.

"Where is Buffy?" Spike questioned.

William shrugged. "I haven't seen her since yesterday."

Worry collected inside Spike. Buffy hadn't come home from patrol. That meant something bad had happened.

The phone rang. Both men stared at each other. 

William stepped toward the kitchen. "I'll see who it is." He couldn't wait to talk on the new device.

Spike rushed after him. "Hey now, what gives you the right to. . .?"

He wasn't fast enough. William had gotten to the telephone. He picked it up, placing it to his ear. "Hello?" He smiled with pride. He'd done it just like Dawn had when she received a call from a friend.

"Who is this?" a voice inquired on the other line.

"William. Are you wanting to speak to one of the residents at the Summers home?" he replied.

"William?" Is that you, Spike?"

"No, but he's here."

"What do you mean he's here?"

"Spike is standing next to me."

Spike had had it. He snatched the phone away. "Give me that!" he shouted.

The vampire demanded to the receiver," What do you bloody want?"

"Spike," the man growled.

"Peaches," he said with just as much loathing.

"What are you doing there? If you laid one hand on Buffy. . ."

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Angelus, I haven't hurt the slayer. Now, if I laid a hand on her is another matter."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Angel hissed.

Spike grinned. "Let's just say Buffy and I have. . . Gotten rather close."

"I know I should have come there. But I thought about what happened last time and decided against it."

"Look, it's Buffy's bleeding life, if she wants to spend it with me that's her business."

Spike could hear Angel breathing hard out of anger.

"Let me talk to her!" Angel yelled.

Sudden seriousness crept over Spike. "I would, but she isn't here. She didn't come home last night."

"She didn't come home? Great, that means she's already been captured."

Spike clutched the phone tighter. "Captured?" he whispered.

"Cordy had a vision. Buffy was in some sort of warehouse."

"Is that all you know?"

"Well, we think a vampire captured. Cordy saw a glimpse of Buffy being bitten."

"Right then. I'll go save her." Spike hung up the phone, not caring if it was abrupt.

He ran over to the door. As he did, he was greeted by Mr.Sunshine streaming through the window. He hollered as his hand began to smoke. Moving away, it stopped.

"Bloody hell!" He kicked the wall in frustration.

Ok, he had forgotten what time it was. He scanned the room, searching for a blanket. There was none in sight, but he found his duster hanging up. He took it, and draped it over his head.

"What are you doing?" William questioned, from behind him.

Spike's hand hovered over the doorknob. "Going to save Buffy, that's what."

William shook his head. "You're an idiot. It's day out. You'll fry."

"I don't give a fuck. I let her down once, I can't do that again."

"So, what are you going to do? Wander around, burning up little by little, until you explode?"

Spike turned around. He removed his leather coat. "That's right, you wanker, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm not a ponce like you, I don't back away just because there's danger."

William glared. "I've never been exposed to real danger, but that doesn't mean I'll walk away. Especially when it involves someone I love."

Spike froze. "You love her?"

"Yeah, I love her. And I know you do too. So, let me go after her. I have a better chance."

"You are going to get ripped to shreds!" Spike exclaimed.

"Maybe, but at least I'll make it to the target without turning to dust."

And it hit Spike, William was right. A lone tear escaped his eye. Buffy needed him and he was helpless.

Spike raised his head. He stared at William, really seeing him. His own crystal blue eyes were gazing back at him. Not a weak nancy-boy, but a confident and determined man. That was him. They were each other. Spike knew what he had to do.

"I think I'm ready, mate," Spike declared.

"I've been ready," William said.

They inched forward, closing the space between them. Then they collided. 

+++++++++

Buffy awoke. It was dark. Her slayer eyes adjusted fast, her pupils letting in as much light as possible.

She tried to move her arms, but found that they were held by something. She heard clanking. Her eyes were brought up and she made out chains. Fabulous, she thought.

"I've been waiting for you to wake up, my dear," the demon's voice said. He stepped into her view. His eyes glowed in the blackness.

Buffy backed as far as she could against the wall. His cold fingers brushed away her hair. He touched the said of her throat, stroking it.

+++++++++

Spike howled as he merged with his other self. A burst of light was all he could see. Then flashes of memory hit him.

He saw Cicely. "I'm beneath you."

Then Drusilla turned him.

He watched as he killed the slayer during The Boxer Rebellion. And he felt remorse. In all these years, he finally felt something about that. 

Then he killed the other slayer on the subway.

He crashed into Sunnydale. He promised Dru that they would dance on the slayer's grave.

Drusilla left him.

He saw Buffy. He remembered every single moment with her. Why he had fallen in love made sense. She was his sunshine.

Buffy jumped. He wasn't strong enough. 

She came back.

The spell split him up. Buffy told him she cared. She was captured. He merged with William.

His eyes shot open. He fell forward, sucking in air. The oxygen didn't seem enough somehow.

Soon, he was under control. His hand came up, feeling his chest. It was there. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Spike's eyes widened. Bloody hell, he had a beating heart.

_______________________________________________________

For all of you cursing because Spike has turned into a nancy-boy, I just want to say, "Don't jump to conclusions. The story isn't over yet."

To clarify, Spike is William now, with Spike's memories and strength.


	9. ch 9

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

Only one more part after this one. Yay! I might add an epilogue too, if you want. I'm thinking it would be like NC-17, if I do. Do you want?

Chapter 9- Yin-Yang

Buffy tried to get him off her, but she was backed into the wall. The demon's body was pressed against her, preventing any movement. He was strong. She didn't remember Spike being this strong.

"I've always wanted to do this. But everytime I passed the idea to Spike's consciousness, he buried it."

Buffy squirmed as he lowered to her neck. He kissed the mark left by Angel, the master, and Dracula. Then he bit down.

+++++++++

Spike, who was now made up of William, ran to the cemetery. He came to his crypt, and went over to the side of it. There, propped against the structure, was his motorcycle. He hopped on.

The engine roared as he drove away. A wave of uneasiness swept over him. He hadn't seen direct sunlight in 122 years. But William had. The two memories clouded together, creating a muddled chaos.

Spike knew exactly where the demon took his slayer. The same warehouse he and Dru had occupied. It was almost as if he wanted Spike to find him.

He parked the motorcycle near the entrance. Then he rushed inside.

His intuition was right, they were there. Buffy was chained to the wall. Flashbacks of when he had declared his love came back. Then it had seemed right. Now, the act enraged him. And the fact that the demon was draining her, made him explode. He grabbed hold of the oblivious demon's shoulders, and pried him off.

The demon faced him. He wiped a stain of red liquid trickling down his chin. He grinned. "I've been expecting you, Spike. Not so soon, though. I didn't get to finish my birth."

Spike looked toward Buffy. Her head slumped limply. The distraction gave the demon an opportunity to knock him to the ground.

"I'll just have to finish turning her later," the demon informed.

Spike jumped to his feet. Snarling, he rammed into his former dark nature.

A laugh escaped the demon. "I can smell humanity all over you. Should I be calling you William?"

Spike smirked. "Doesn't matter, mate, since I can kill you now. And the fancy part is if you kill me, you kill yourself. So, why don't you just give up?"

The demon was in hysterics now. "Don't think so. I have a better plan. It isn't too late, you can merge with me, and cast William out."

Spike shook his head. "Nah, you hurt my slayer. You see I love her, and would never do that."

"But don't you see, Buffy will be ours eternally," the demon commented.

Spike punched him. "I prefer her the way she is."

The demon growled. He kicked Spike hard in the chest. "You are just an ignorant boy!"

Reaching into his duster, Spike pulled out a stake. He raised it, pointing the wood at his opponent. 

"Go ahead and try," the demon provoked.

Spike thrust the weapon at his heart. The demon grabbed his arm, trying to get the stake out of his finger with his other hand. Spike head-butted him. Then he kicked.

"I may be human, but I can still kick your lousy arse!"

They fought for a long time. Neither were winning. It was an even match. But then the demon had to go and unbalance it by kicking Spike in the groin.

"Buggering fu. . .!" Spike yelled in pain.

The demon tore the stake out of his grasp. "I'm stronger than you. I always will be. Dark triumphs over light, there's no changing it. So don't try. Just surrender to me."

Spike was breathing hard. All his energy drained away. Everything stopped at that moment.

Then it happened. The demon hadn't noticed that he was near the wall, or that Buffy had awoke. She rose her legs up, bringing them into his back. He fell forward, stake clattering to the ground.

Spike dove for the stick. He managed to retrieve it. "Thanks, luv," he thanked her.

She smiled. "No problem. Just hurry up. I'm sore and stuff. I want down."

He smiled back at her.

Spike pounced on the demon. The stake fell right above his heart. One easy motion, and poof.

"You can't do it," the demon stated.

"Why not?" Spike spat.

The demon grinned. He licked his fangs. "I'm part of you whether you like it or not. You're nothing without me. I make you whole."

Spike couldn't move. He was in a trance by the words.

"Don't deny your own existence," the demon went on.

Spike moved the stake away. He dropped it to the floor.

"Spike, what are you doing?" Buffy asked. Her voice wavered. She sounded tired, weak, and scared.

Spike looked over. Sadness adorned his eyes. "Sorry, pet, he's right."

She violently shook her head. "No! You are good. You've changed."

"I may do good things but darkness will always haunt my depths. This is what is meant to be."

Tears fell down her cheeks. "I love you," she choked.

His gaze was tender. "Do you love me or William?"

There was a long pause. Spike thought she wasn't going to answer, but then she did. "I love 'you'. Whoever that is."

He could feel his heart pound. God, he was going miss that. Soon he would be cold and still once more. Back to drinking cow's blood.

"Love you too, Buffy. Always."

With that, Spike met the demon's eyes. "Let's get this over with."

+++++++++

Buffy was blinded by a bright light. She shut her eyes tightly.

A heaviness fell over her chest. She had wanted a normal life with Spike. That was why she had urged him to merge with William. But the truth was that Spike was both the demon and the human. He was an equal coin. You couldn't have one without the other.

Things quieted. Buffy opened her eyes. She saw Spike lying on the ground. No one else was there, so he must be whole.

"Spike!?" she called out to him.

_________________________________________________________

So, Spike is complete now. He is the demon and William combined. But is he the same as to begin with? Wait and find out in the last installment. Plus that epilogue, if you want.


	10. ch 10

IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them. 

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there's still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

"Poor Spikey! Can't be a human, can't be a vampire." ~Wrecked

But what if he had a choice?

Chapter 10- You Make Me Who I Am

Willow arrived home to find it empty. Normally it would be natural, but where could William and Spike have gone? Buffy might have taken William out. Spike, however, was not doing so well the last time she saw him. He was in no condition to leave.

The phone rang. Willow quickly answered it. "Summers residence," she said.

"Willow?"

Surprise came over her. "Angel, is that you?"

"Yeah. Is Buffy there?"

"Sorry, no. Everybody is gone."

"Fabulous. Spike must have went after her." There was a pause. "Unless he was lying and still wants to kill her. He might have. . ."

"He was telling the truth," Willow defended her sort-of-friend. "He has a chip now, can't hurt anybody."

"I would ask more questions, but time is at stake here."

"Ok. How do you know Buffy is in danger?"

"Cordelia saw Buffy in a vision. She was in a warehouse with some vampire. I called to tell you guys, but Spike was the only one there. He went off to be the hero. But that was hours ago," he told her.

"This doesn't sound good. I better get the others and search for them. William is missing too."

"What is it with this William? He picked up before. I was sure it was Spike."

"Um, that's a long story."

"You don't have time to tell it."

"Where is the location of this warehouse?"  


He sighed. "I don't know."

"I guess we'll start with all the ones we know of."

"Sounds like the best plan. Keep me posted."

"Bye, Angel."

Willow hung up. Then she raised the phone again to dial Xander's number.

+++++++++

Spike moaned. He groggily sat up. A pounding headache split through his temple. He felt like hell.

"Spike!"

His head tilted to Buffy. "Are you okay?" he choked.

"Yeah, peachy." She laughed. Then she became serious. "I didn't lose much."

He stumbled to his feet, and came near. He examined the wound. It was already healing slightly, to his relief. He reached up, fumbling with the chains. Being released, she fell into his arms. He held her to him. The feel of her was pure ecstasy at that moment.

She cried. Stroking her hair, he murmured, "There, pet, everythings all right."

Her hand ran up and down his chest. Water still stung her vision. Her hand suddenly stilled.

Buffy met his eyes. Hers were filled with wonderment. "Spike, your heart is beating."

For a long time he couldn't react. His brain wouldn't process the information.

Buffy touched his face. "You're warm," she observed.

Spike drew away. He shook his head. "This shouldn't be bloody happening!"

She seemed confused.

"I . . . I can feel the demon in me, it's there. I should be a blood-sucking fiend." He sat down on the floor. His head settled in his hands. "It should have gone away."

Buffy knelt, wrapping her arms around him. He was trembling.

"I don't know how to be a human, Buffy," he confessed.

She took a long breath. "We can learn. . . Together."

++++++++

The gang found Spike's motorcycle outside. They barged in, finding the couple in an embrace.

"What the hell happened here?" Xander asked. He glared at Spike.

Willow showed great concern. "Buffy, are you all right?"

The questions bombarded her. She never moved. "I just want to go home," she expressed.

Buffy helped Spike to stand. They began to walk toward the door.

"Let's let them go home and boink. We can do the same, Xander," Anya commented. She grinned at her fiancé. 

"An! I don't think they're. . ." He frowned. "I hope they aren't."

Spike shielded his eyes from the glare. Then he cautiously looked upward. The sky was partly-sunny overhead. He stared in awe.

Their friends arrived behind them. They gaped at the scene.

"Why isn't dead-boy burning up?" Xander wanted to know.

Buffy's fingers interlocked with Spike's. "We're not sure exactly."

"What happened in there?" Willow inquired.

"We'll tell you at my house."

++++++++

It took a while for the scoobies to absorb what happened. Willow took the position of finding out why Spike was a human, but with a demon. She felt like it was her responsibility to do so, considering it was her fault that he had gotten into this mess.

And as she read through _Theories of the Udead_, it all made sense.

"I think I know what happened," she said.

Buffy and Spike raised their heads. They were at the magic shop, one day after the ordeal.

"Explain away," Buffy told her.

Spike nodded in agreement.

Willow became excited. "Vampires are humans controlled by a demon. The demon takes over, dominating the actions."

Spike was skeptical. "Are you saying us vamps have souls?"

The red-head bit her lip. "Yeah. But it is hidden, unable to effect the personality."

"How do you know this is right, Red?"

She shrugged, and then laughed. I don't."

"Got to say, it sound reasonable," Buffy commented. 

Spike raised an eye-brow. "What about Angel?"

"Think about it. The curse brought his soul to the surface," Willow replied. 

A smirk came to Spike's lips. "This is actually beginning to convince me."

"Listen, Spike, you were different. The chip evened out your halfs, human and demon. Your human side, William, played as much a role as your demon."

"What about now?"

Willow smiled. "Your human dominates."

He had been afraid of that. "So, am I a big poofter afterall?"

Buffy touched his knee. "You're still bad, the demons there. You are just not the 'Big' bad, cuz you are 'mostly' good."

Spike groaned. "That's bloody great, slayer."

"But it is. Think of how much more time we can spend together now. We have a twenty-four hours schedule."

He couldn't help but chuckle at that.

+++++++

Spike had finished it. And he was scared. What if she laughed right in his face? What if she lied and said it was good, when it was rot?

Okay, he had to go through with this. Something inside him said he had to. Damn it, if it was his soul talking. . .

Spike led Buffy to the couch. She sat next to him, looking expectantly at him.

His hand shook and he drew out the piece of paper from his duster. "I uh. . . I um, wrote you something."

Her eyes widened in surprise. Then they were normal again, but with extra sparkle. She took the paper.

"They're only words pet, if they aren't good. . ."

She shushed him, and read his poem.

I was lost in the shadows

Whole, but knew not what I am

I searched, but the path was unclear

But then you came

Your sunshine lit my way

You make me who I am

Buffy met his gaze. He was waiting nervously for her reaction.

The work wasn't a masterpiece. But it squeezed her heart just the same. The words expressed his feelings for her.

Her voice was soft. "I feel the same way."

He let out a sigh of relief. A smile crept to his mouth.

"Are you sure you aren't becoming a poofter?" she teased.

He grinned. He growled, swooping her into his arms. "I still have the demon in me." 

She giggled. "Really?"

"Yeh. Need proof?"

"Most definitely," she stated.

Spike carried his slayer upstairs, to show her just how evil he could be.

The End

__________________________________________________________

Well, there you have it. Except for that epilogue. If you would like to read that go to my website (http://giftedshadows.cjb.net). Beware that it does have some sexual context. 

I meant for the poem to be better. Sorry about that, but when I actually went to type it, nothing came out right. *sigh* I hope it isn't too bad. But William was the bloody 'awful' poet, afterall.

Hope my whole explanation on Spike being human and having a demon made sense. And I hope it wasn't that abrupt. 


End file.
